So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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