i will never coherently bang her
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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