...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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