she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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