I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
