oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
