I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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