My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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