Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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