Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize