she woke up with a sticky ear
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
