Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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