i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
