One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
