I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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