my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
