omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
