Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
