If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
COCAINE IS GR8
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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