I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize