oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Randomize
