I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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