My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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