after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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