Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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