I will die if light touches me.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
