She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
