i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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