the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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