I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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