Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize