finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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