Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
