Umm I'm too high to move.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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