Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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