you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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