If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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