you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
