Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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