Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize