Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
