Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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