If i come over, it means nothing
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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