i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
