i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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