so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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