she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
