When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
