FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
