John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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