Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
