I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
