i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
