i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Please don't give away my fajitas
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
