There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
