About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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