We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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