I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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