Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
