She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
