I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it's great music for shaving your balls
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
