i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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