I can text with my tongue
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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